he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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