i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
