shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
