Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm passing your future prison.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
