I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
