I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
