you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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