the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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