My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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