Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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