I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
