if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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