I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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