You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
