3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Alive.
So much puke
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
