Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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