Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
