hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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