he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
