I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
