you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
