Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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