I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
