alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
