bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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