My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
