you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
