She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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