Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
