when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
