Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
