yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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