So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
