Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
