she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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