Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Your penis caused this!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
