he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
