Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
