i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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