Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Randomize
