why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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