He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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