I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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