I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
