if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
