take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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