Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
