He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
