He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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