dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
